why yes I am losing weight!

it's so exciting to know it's really happening for me. I am really losing weight and mostly in my pudgy tummy. It's like winning the fat lottery. Now don't get me wrong, I know I have lost atleast 5 lbs but i will not weigh myself until i know for sure that I am out of the 170's. Why? Because that is the weight that when I see it on the scale...it freaks me out and I start sabotaging myself. I don't want to do that. instead I am just measuring my waist to make sure I'm losing. Sure enough I have gone from 40 inches (gasp) to 38 inches. now that is something. What am i doing to shed the lbs? I'm eating what I want but less of it. For snacks I'm eating fruit like apples peaches and grapes. Yesterday I went to the gym and burned 200 calories. I only ran for maybe 20 minutes. Eventually I want to work my way up to running off 250 calories then going to the nautilus equipment and doing a few reps to help maintain muscle. I have always been an over indulgent eater so i am taking xenadrine to help curb my appetite, and because i don't want to lose nutrients I am also taking a multi-vitamin called Woman's Ultra Mega. Both give me worlds of energy and I couldn't be happier. I am guessing I weigh around 178 but who knows.

No food could ever taste as good as being fit feels.
No one will love you until you can love yourself.
You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

186 lbs but I can do this and I will

so I decided against weight watchers mainly because I can't afford to pay for the meetings. Instead I am just eating less, taking in more water and for snacking I am eating fruit. I officially started on 8/8/2009 so we will see. Somethings I have realized: i am in hiding, because i am bigger than I would like to be I have been hiding in my home, not doing anything that I would like to be doing. I have been avoiding the guy I am attracted to because i feel like there is no way he would be attracted to me. Why can't i just love myself? I am trying but it's not easy. I always try dieting, I give it like a week and expect to see big results like 10-15 lbs. I'm realizing I'm not being realistic so i am doing this different. I am only going to weigh myself once a week and I'm only going to with for a 2 lbs weight loss per week. I'll be ok with 1 lb. I have to be. 1 lb is better than no lbs or worse yet, a gain.

If you overindulge you start to bulge.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Weight loss starts in the mind not the mouth.

goal....be 178 by 10/6/09
goal2...be 170 by 11/03/09
goal3...be 162 by 12/1/09

If it doesn't happen this fast....who cares it will still eventually happen if I keep working at it.

My goodness...take a few days or in my case, months off and watch the blimp grow. I am now gaining weight and completely sad about it. I have (in every way possible) done this to myself. Today i am going to again try weight watchers. I am really going to give this an effort. I am worth this. I am allotted 23 points for whatever I want to eat so here goes.

just a little update

well even though I haven't posted in a month, I have still been staying on track. I am 25.5 lbs down from 199 lbs. i am very excited but I know that I am not done yet. I am on new birth control so that is good....it takes away my hunger for the most part. My daughter is doing well too. She is 18 months now and growing like a weed. If anyone likes that I am getting healthy it would be her. So much more I can do with my baby girl when i don't feel like a blob. I have been watching biggest loser every Tuesday and believe it or not; it gives me the motivation i need to continue this weight loss. i have 14 lbs to lose before I hit my first goal. how exciting is that? I know all things are possible if you just work towards your goals and don't give up. Here's a picture of me at 180 lbs....I have since lost 6 lbs but it will give you an idea of what i'm working with. (aka junk in the trunk.) I am the one on the left and my sister is on the right.

SW: 199
CW:174

GW1:160

GW2:120

6 months and weight watchers

six months have come and gone and I've gained weight. Not too much about 8 lbs. So I have decided to join weight watchers. i went and bought all my food for the month and am going to do the flex points.....let me backtrack. In the last six months i have moved from Yreka California to Redding California, got a job at a chain pet store and had put my weight loss on the back burner. Well I dont want to let myself get that big again. So here I am weighing 184 and at the mercy of weight watchers. So far so good. I will give it two weeks and see how i feel.

Ps the gut is back but it's not here to stay.


SW: 199
CW:186
GW1:160
GW2:120

Weight 176 lbs left 56

so life is life and I've been lazy. I haven't updated in a long while... It's taking me a longer time than I thought it would in order to lose this weight. I hardly lose more than two pounds a week and lately it seems like way less than that. But I'm optimistic because the scale is finally going down again. I need to get back into exercises...I have let it slip up a little bit. I am still the old me obviously! But I can still do this! I have doing something stupid lately. I have been looking online at the pro anorexia sites...not becasue I'm anorexic...duh that's a hell of a lot of weight difference between me and an anorexic! I've been going to these sites because I want to be thin and the pictures really trigger me to stay on track. Not the ones where all you see is bones...that's just kind of gruesome! I feel bad for even going to these sites. I haven't told anyone why I got out of the military...Not a single person, the crazy thing is that nobody even asks me why I got out early or how...maybe that's because no one in my life really cares. But here's the secret I have been hiding from everyone that knows me...I got kicked out of the military for having an Eating disorder. i didn't get out because I had a baby...she saved me from my eating disorder by the way. I didn't get out because they were letting people go early, and I didn't get out because of my hypoglycemia. Now the world knows it; well maybe not the world because no one I know reads this blog anyway. I do believe that i gained so much weight from being pregnant because I started eating more in order for my daughter to have a fighting chance. In the meantime my body started storing all those extra calories....oh great right? I'm not trying to be so unoptimistic but damn it I am down today! I also want to emphasis that I am not losing this weight in an unhealthy way. I eat right and reap the benefits. I don't starve myself and I don't vomit what I eat up. I am not practicing my ED in any way. I want to be 120 already!

SW: 199
CW:176
GW1:160
GW2:120

analytically speaking

I have been running three days this week so far.....I guess you can call it running. Yesterday I tripped over the raised concrete and I do believe I looked like I was flying...flying, running same difference. I feel like I am losing my mojo just a little bit. Maybe I'll just start counting calories again. I havent done that in a while because I felt like it was making me feel like I had to record my whole life. I'd spend more time analysing my exercise and eating habits than just working out. I think I am guilty of overthinking and analyzing everything. I wonder when i'll get to 170...a decade from now? It was so easy to eat myself out of house and home and gain the weight. In fact that was a pretty consistant weight gain. It's so much harder taking it off. I wish it was like those commercials you see where a random person finds someone's stomache fat just sitting on the stairway, then the narrater says something like someone must have used the stairs. You don't see me finding my stomache flab just hanging out on the stairs........nope it stays put right on the tummy.