Thursday, April 17, 2008

Weight 176 lbs left 56

so life is life and I've been lazy. I haven't updated in a long while... It's taking me a longer time than I thought it would in order to lose this weight. I hardly lose more than two pounds a week and lately it seems like way less than that. But I'm optimistic because the scale is finally going down again. I need to get back into exercises...I have let it slip up a little bit. I am still the old me obviously! But I can still do this! I have doing something stupid lately. I have been looking online at the pro anorexia sites...not becasue I'm anorexic...duh that's a hell of a lot of weight difference between me and an anorexic! I've been going to these sites because I want to be thin and the pictures really trigger me to stay on track. Not the ones where all you see is bones...that's just kind of gruesome! I feel bad for even going to these sites. I haven't told anyone why I got out of the military...Not a single person, the crazy thing is that nobody even asks me why I got out early or how...maybe that's because no one in my life really cares. But here's the secret I have been hiding from everyone that knows me...I got kicked out of the military for having an Eating disorder. i didn't get out because I had a baby...she saved me from my eating disorder by the way. I didn't get out because they were letting people go early, and I didn't get out because of my hypoglycemia. Now the world knows it; well maybe not the world because no one I know reads this blog anyway. I do believe that i gained so much weight from being pregnant because I started eating more in order for my daughter to have a fighting chance. In the meantime my body started storing all those extra calories....oh great right? I'm not trying to be so unoptimistic but damn it I am down today! I also want to emphasis that I am not losing this weight in an unhealthy way. I eat right and reap the benefits. I don't starve myself and I don't vomit what I eat up. I am not practicing my ED in any way. I want to be 120 already!

SW: 199

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

analytically speaking

I have been running three days this week so far.....I guess you can call it running. Yesterday I tripped over the raised concrete and I do believe I looked like I was flying...flying, running same difference. I feel like I am losing my mojo just a little bit. Maybe I'll just start counting calories again. I havent done that in a while because I felt like it was making me feel like I had to record my whole life. I'd spend more time analysing my exercise and eating habits than just working out. I think I am guilty of overthinking and analyzing everything. I wonder when i'll get to 170...a decade from now? It was so easy to eat myself out of house and home and gain the weight. In fact that was a pretty consistant weight gain. It's so much harder taking it off. I wish it was like those commercials you see where a random person finds someone's stomache fat just sitting on the stairway, then the narrater says something like someone must have used the stairs. You don't see me finding my stomache flab just hanging out on the stairs........nope it stays put right on the tummy.