I need to get to the bottom of it all

I thought about it a lot last night while trying to sleep. Why am I so negative. Why do I punish myself with food? What really started it? I can't figure it out. I went into a foster home when I was 11 and was skinny up until that point. i don't think the trauma of being put into a foster home was what caused me to hate myself. I think it was just puberty and the things my foster parents would say to me that triggered my self hate. I remember wanting seconds at the dinner table and they would tease me about it (not in a friendly way) they'd say things like "you're starting to get a pudgy little tummy" its funny because I was still really skinny but I started to see myself as fat and unworthy. It's crazy to me that when I really think about it, it's not the fact that my life was so messed up at an early age that screwed my emotions up, but something a foster parent did to change my outlook. In fact amidst all the craziness in my childhood, I still loved myself up until that point. I didn't eat just to eat back then. It wasn't my greatest pleasure. I have a messed up view when it comes to food. It's sort of become my comfort (what makes me happy) maybe because I didn't have a person to comfort me back then I turned to food. I need to figure out how to change this. I'll never keep the weight off if I can't figure out why I put it on in the first place.


Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.

18-2=size 16 yeah baby!

I'm down to a size 16 in pants! When I started on 9/08 I was in a size 18. It's not huge but it's definitely encouraging. I can't wait for size 14 to come along. Yes I am guilty of jumping baby steps. I've gone to the gym twice this week and plan on going again today. I am doing so well. Atleast i'm finally using my gym membership again. No one has come right out and said it looks like I've lost weight yet. I can't wait to hear it for the first time. It always spurs you on further to hear it. I am realizing that eventually I will need to start working on my bad habits instead of just taking Xenadrine. I want to eventually stop taking them and work on changing really bad habits. Just going to the gym is breaking one habit. For the first time in a long time I am proud of myself.


Rome wasn't built in a day.
Success is a journey, not a destination. For now I'll focus on the process.
You get whatever you settle for.

Today is going really well....not just in terms of weight loss. My daughter is two and believe it or not she's not acting two today. Today she is my little cuddle monkey. I get sad sometimes thinking about how little time we spend together ( I am in college from 9-4 every weekday) but I know that it's going to make for a better life in the future for her and me. Anyway good luck to everyone today.

why yes I am losing weight!

it's so exciting to know it's really happening for me. I am really losing weight and mostly in my pudgy tummy. It's like winning the fat lottery. Now don't get me wrong, I know I have lost atleast 5 lbs but i will not weigh myself until i know for sure that I am out of the 170's. Why? Because that is the weight that when I see it on the scale...it freaks me out and I start sabotaging myself. I don't want to do that. instead I am just measuring my waist to make sure I'm losing. Sure enough I have gone from 40 inches (gasp) to 38 inches. now that is something. What am i doing to shed the lbs? I'm eating what I want but less of it. For snacks I'm eating fruit like apples peaches and grapes. Yesterday I went to the gym and burned 200 calories. I only ran for maybe 20 minutes. Eventually I want to work my way up to running off 250 calories then going to the nautilus equipment and doing a few reps to help maintain muscle. I have always been an over indulgent eater so i am taking xenadrine to help curb my appetite, and because i don't want to lose nutrients I am also taking a multi-vitamin called Woman's Ultra Mega. Both give me worlds of energy and I couldn't be happier. I am guessing I weigh around 178 but who knows.

No food could ever taste as good as being fit feels.
No one will love you until you can love yourself.
You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

186 lbs but I can do this and I will

so I decided against weight watchers mainly because I can't afford to pay for the meetings. Instead I am just eating less, taking in more water and for snacking I am eating fruit. I officially started on 8/8/2009 so we will see. Somethings I have realized: i am in hiding, because i am bigger than I would like to be I have been hiding in my home, not doing anything that I would like to be doing. I have been avoiding the guy I am attracted to because i feel like there is no way he would be attracted to me. Why can't i just love myself? I am trying but it's not easy. I always try dieting, I give it like a week and expect to see big results like 10-15 lbs. I'm realizing I'm not being realistic so i am doing this different. I am only going to weigh myself once a week and I'm only going to with for a 2 lbs weight loss per week. I'll be ok with 1 lb. I have to be. 1 lb is better than no lbs or worse yet, a gain.

If you overindulge you start to bulge.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Weight loss starts in the mind not the mouth.

goal....be 178 by 10/6/09
goal2...be 170 by 11/03/09
goal3...be 162 by 12/1/09

If it doesn't happen this fast....who cares it will still eventually happen if I keep working at it.

My goodness...take a few days or in my case, months off and watch the blimp grow. I am now gaining weight and completely sad about it. I have (in every way possible) done this to myself. Today i am going to again try weight watchers. I am really going to give this an effort. I am worth this. I am allotted 23 points for whatever I want to eat so here goes.