Friday, September 18, 2009

I need to get to the bottom of it all

I thought about it a lot last night while trying to sleep. Why am I so negative. Why do I punish myself with food? What really started it? I can't figure it out. I went into a foster home when I was 11 and was skinny up until that point. i don't think the trauma of being put into a foster home was what caused me to hate myself. I think it was just puberty and the things my foster parents would say to me that triggered my self hate. I remember wanting seconds at the dinner table and they would tease me about it (not in a friendly way) they'd say things like "you're starting to get a pudgy little tummy" its funny because I was still really skinny but I started to see myself as fat and unworthy. It's crazy to me that when I really think about it, it's not the fact that my life was so messed up at an early age that screwed my emotions up, but something a foster parent did to change my outlook. In fact amidst all the craziness in my childhood, I still loved myself up until that point. I didn't eat just to eat back then. It wasn't my greatest pleasure. I have a messed up view when it comes to food. It's sort of become my comfort (what makes me happy) maybe because I didn't have a person to comfort me back then I turned to food. I need to figure out how to change this. I'll never keep the weight off if I can't figure out why I put it on in the first place.

Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.

1 comment:

The Crazy Woman Inside Me said...

I can relate. Kids are so impressionable. I bought into so many negative messages I received from my parents, teachers, other kids, etc., and I still carry some of those hurtful thoughts around with me decades later.

You wrote: “I'll never keep the weight off if I can't figure out why I put it on in the first place.”

That’s not true. :-) The more you tell yourself that and believe it, the more it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, start telling yourself that you CAN keep the weight off, no matter what.

You may never learn why you have this relationship with food, so focus on the future rather than the past. You have the strength and the power to change yourself into a lean, fit, healthy young woman today! :-D