I have been thinking, why did I do this to myself? What made me overeat so much? I thought back and I realized I was 11 when I got put in foster care. I never felt fat before then. Suddenly I hated myself and didn't care anymore. Thinking about it now I think maybe I blamed myself for everything...I know I blamed myself for everything. I need to get over this in order to like myself again. It wasn't my fault my mother left. I have to keep telling myself that. I remember being 11 and weighing 128 lbs and thinking I would just die if I gained another pound. But of course i kept eating. I think It was then that I developed a horrible self image and at the same time it was then that I sabbotaged myself. It's important to realize what makes me this way but it's so hard to face.
On a different note... I believe I am still losing weight but I won't know until thursday's weigh in with Curves. Even if I didn't lose weight this week I have decided not to change a thing because it's no longer just about the weight, it's about loving myself enough to eat right, exercise and enjoy the energy it brings me. Yesterday Curves was closed so I just bought a work out video and worked out at home. It was kind of embarrassing as my whole family watched me shake my booty to the beat :) Mother tells me she notices a big difference in me already. I haven't had anyone else notice though and that's ok...its a small weight loss right now so I'll just count my blessings and be happy with what I have. I have these "Skinny jeans" that I have and I can't wait to fit back into them. They are a size 7. That will be the day! One day at a time though. It's not just that I can do this, it's that I will do this.